I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
