he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
