I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
