She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
