dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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