I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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