Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
