i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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