That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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