You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
