yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
