She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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