Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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