Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
