Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
