Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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