I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
