you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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