if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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