apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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