if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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