Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
