I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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