He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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