I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
