Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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