if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
