Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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