If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
