Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
