Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just fell off a train. Bad.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
