Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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