I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
