life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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