how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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