So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
