1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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