You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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