i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
