I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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