So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
this boner is exhausting
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
