I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
try to milk me bitch
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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