I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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