Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
