This is not my ceiling
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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