I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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