Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
