we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
