Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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