bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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