i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
